If You Have to Think Twice, Never, Ever Click On It

Well, howdy,

I think I mentioned this before; forgive me. Things are a bit hectic with an ICE concentration camp opening next door. If not, expect a post to appear on Stupid Sexy Privacy once a week that won't show up in your inbox. I promise I'm not trying to hide "the good stuff" from you; I just don't want to flood your inbox. I figure if you get an email from us on Tuesday—your weekly privacy tip—and another on Thursday or Friday for this week's podcast episode, that should be sufficient. (In fact, I worry that two emails per week are too many given how much of the independent media like us is dependent on email to communicate with you.)

Of course, as you've noticed, we don't always hit our mark in terms of schedule. Sometimes, like yesterday, I completely forgot to check with Andrew to see if the episode was ready. It was; however, I didn't know that, so I got into working on other things, and here we are with another Friday email.

I also spent considerable time yesterday discussing with people (namely attorneys) the potential of getting arrested for covering an ICE protest at the concentration camp once it opens. If it happens, it happens.

I will do my best to keep us on schedule. We are almost done re-airing the original episodes of Stupid Sexy Privacy. The last "old" episode is #33. Although calling them "old" is misleading, as some of the content is from the original mini-series, but there’s a lot of new material as well. This week's episode is a great example: the discussion between Amanda and Rosie was recorded back in 2023, but my interview with Dr. Treena Orchard took place in late 2025.

All that said, season two looks like it will premiere in March, featuring all-new stuff from me, Rosie, Andrew, and Amanda each week. If I wind up temporarily in jail, then that’ll be another thing we'll have to work around.

I don't fear going to jail. Lenny Bruce went to jail; George Carlin, my hero, went to jail. Hunter S. Thompson too. So, as daunting as the possibility of my arrest for covering a protest in my capacity as an investigative journalist is, I would be in good company for doing the right thing.

All any of us can do right now is the right thing. Put one foot in front of the other. Do what you can to help your neighbors, and keep your eyes toward the sky. Because fascism doesn't want you to look up and see possibility. They want you to see nothing but dirt.

Okay, I am going to stop now. You can check out this week's article on how to safely use Signal and (mostly) film ICE protests safely.

The show notes are below for this week's episode. Privacy Tips (the audio episodes) will return starting next week. Thank you for joining us.

I Still Don't Have a Cool Thing to Say When Signing Off,

-BJ

Show Notes

Stupid Sexy Privacy Show Notes For Season 1, Episode 23

Episode Title: If You Have to Think Twice, Never, Ever Click On It

Guests: Dr. Treena Orchard, author of Sticky, Sexy, Sad

Episode Summary: It's part 2 of our discussion with Dr. Treena Orchard about the challenges of using dating apps and the toxic culture surrounding them. Rosie and Amanda are also back to share best practices on how to stay safe on a date.

Highlights From Part 2 of Our Interview with Dr. Treena Orchard

-Honestly, like Part 1, this interview is really good. So we prefer you go and listen to it then skim the notes here. We had a great discussion about ghosting, why there's still a plague on solicited dick picks, what that says about the men who send them and men in general. Dr. Orchard also suggested really solid improvements that dating apps could make to win back a lot of people, like Gen Z, who are using them less and less.

Do yourself a favor. If you have an interest in dating apps and the culture surrounding them, dive in to this week's interview.

Privacy Tips From This Week's Episode

-As Hunter S. Thompson once said, "Give anything weird a wide berth." That's true with anything that shows up in your inbox or in your messages. Too good to be true? Don't click. Looks weird? Don't click. That email looks kind of funky from the sender? Don't click.

-Never give out your real phone number. Use the Burner App or Google Voice to disguise the number that you have. Use the fake number (which will forward to your real one) for dates and any time someone asks for your number. Like your email address, only friends and family should ever have your real phone number.

-People getting stalked using portable Bluetooth devices like Air Tags is a real thing. We recommend BLE Scanner to look for anything on your person or in your home that shouldn't be there. (We'll have more on this topic in an upcoming episode.)

-Recommended: Garbo.io's free online, and offline, safety guide. If you haven't checked this out, please do so asap.

Resources (NO Affiliate Links. This is what we use.)

Our Sponsor: DuckDuckGo <--Our Recommended Browser and VPN

Get Your Privacy Notebook: Get your Leuchtturm1917 notebook here.

-BitWarden.com (Password Manager: easier to use, costs money)

- KeepPassXC (Password Manager: free, harder to use, but more secure)

-Slnt Privacy Stickers for Phones and Laptops

-Slnt Faraday bag for your Stranger Danger phone.

-Mic-Lock Microphone Blockers

-Mic-Lock Camera Finder Pro

-BitDefender (best anti-virus for most people across most devices)

-Stop using SMS and WhatsApp, start using Signal.

-Use Element instead of Slack for group coordination

-Use StopGenAI's Guide to getting Generative AI out of your life.

--Use cash whenever possible. If you have to buy something online, try to use Privacy.com to shield your actual credit or debit card when making purchases online.

Get In Touch: You can contact us here

Want the full transcript for this week's episode?

Easy. All you gotta do is sign-up for our free newsletter. If you do, you'll also get a .mp3 and .pdf of our new book, "How to Protect Yourself From Fascists & Weirdos" as soon as it's ready.

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Show Intro

Rosie: Welcome to another edition of Stupid Sexy Privacy. 

Andrew: A podcast miniseries sponsored by our friends at DuckDuckGo. 

Rosie: I’m your host, Rosie Tran. 

You may have seen me on Rosie Tran Presents, which is now available on Amazon Prime.

Andrew: And I’m your co-producer, Andrew VanVoorhis. With us, as always, is Bonzo the Snow Monkey.

Bonzo: Monkey sound!

Rosie: I’m pretty sure that’s not what a Japanese Macaque sounds like.

Andrew: Oh it’s not. Not even close.

Rosie: Let’s hope there aren’t any zooologists listening.

Bonzo: Monkey Sound!

Rosie: Ok. I’m ALSO pretty sure that’s not what a Snow Monkey sounds like.

*Clear hers throat*

Rosie: Over the course of this miniseries, we’re going to offer you short, actionable tips to protect your data, your privacy, and yourself from fascists and weirdos.

These tips were sourced by our fearless leader — he really hates when we call him that — BJ Mendelson. 

Episodes 1 through 33 were written a couple of years ago. 

But since a lot of that advice is still relevant, we thought it would be worth sharing again for those who missed it.

Andrew: And if you have heard these episodes before, you should know we’ve gone back and updated a bunch of them.

Even adding some brand new interviews and privacy tips along the way.

Rosie: That’s right. So before we get into today’s episode, make sure you visit StupidSexyPrivacy.com and subscribe to our newsletter.

Andrew: This way you can get updates on the show, and be the first to know when new episodes are released in 2026.

Rosie: And if you sign-up for the newsletter, you’ll also get a free pdf and mp3 copy of BJ and Amanda King’s new book, “How to Protect Yourself From Fascists & Weirdos.” All you have to do is visit StupidSexyPrivacy.com

Andrew: StupidSexyPrivacy.com

Rosie: That’s what I just said. StupidSexyPrivacy.com.

Andrew: I know, but repetition is the key to success. You know what else is?

Rosie: What?

Bonzo: Another, different, monkey sound!

Rosie: I’m really glad this show isn’t on YouTube, because they’d pull it down like, immediately.

Andrew: I know. Google sucks.

Rosie: And on that note, let’s get to today’s privacy tip!

This Week's Privacy Tip

Rosie Tran, host of Stupid Sexy Privacy: This week, Andrew and I put BJ in the penalty box. BJ exceeded the limit we set on jokes about his interest in Wonder Woman themed pornography. So BJ's co-author, Amanda King, is going to join us for something a little different with today's show.

According to Pew, three in 10 Americans have reported using online dating apps and websites, with most saying they've had good experiences using them. But for many women, these sites, and apps, can often lead to harassment, stalking, and unsolicited dick pics. So, so many dick pics. And like 99% of them are unsolicited.

Anyway, for this episode, Amanda and I are going to discuss how to keep yourself safe when using dating apps and websites. If you're gearing up for Valentine's Day, you're not gonna wanna miss this one. Amanda is currently working with BJ on his book, How to protect yourself from fascists and weirdos. So she's more than qualified to speak with us today about these privacy and security tips. Let's get to the discussion and BJ will be back writing episodes for you to enjoy next week.

Rosie: Just a heads up that this conversation between Amanda and I was recorded back in 2023. Most of the information is still incredibly useful for people who want to protect themselves from fascists and weirdos while out on a date. So we're sharing it here with you again. Later, we'll be back with another episode to update the advice that was dated from this episode. Enjoy!

Rosie: Yeah, and sometimes the information is wrong, which I also report. there was, I Googled myself on time and there was like an arrest record and I was like, that's not me! And it was someone who had a similar name. And I actually, it got pulled up in like a background check in this person and the background checks like, is this you? I'm like, no, that is not me. I've never been arrested. I've never been guilty of anything. So I actually was able to put in a request and have that removed because it was like a name confusion thing. But so there's also like false information and wrong information online, which is scary.

Amanda King, co-host of Stupid Sexy Privacy: Absolutely. And if you're like me and you have citizenship footprints in multiple countries as well, it can get really confusing too, because I have the US Amanda identity and then I have the Australian Amanda identity. And it's a bit hectic sometimes to keep track of. So yeah, being able to report things that aren't accurate is definitely a good way to look at it as well.

Rosie: Yeah. Well, hopefully you've been listening to the older episodes of the show as well because each episode builds on top of the next. But if not, as a quick reminder, make sure you're using BitWarden* and enabling two factor authentication on all of the dating apps and websites you're using. And when setting up two factor, make sure to use a YubiKey or an authenticator app like Authy.

And speaking of tips from previous episodes, you should never give out your real cell phone number to anyone. Instead, create a new Gmail account and set up a Google voice account. Or if you prefer, you can use apps like Burner. So that's a really smart thing to do in case I always have my fake number to give out if needed. And that's not just for dating. I use it all the time. Like sometimes you make a reservation when you go to a place and they're like, we need your number for the reservation. Like I don't want to give, like a noodle restaurant my phone number. (laughs)

[Reader Note: Rosie says 1Password in the audio, but since recording this episode, we've changed our recommendation for password managers to either BitWarden or the free KeePassXC.]


Amanda: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And it's it's one of those things as well where sometimes it's really useful for online checkouts or buying things online, right? When you don't want to give them your number or you just want to download the white paper and you don't want to have to put in your actual legitimate number and get a sales call 20 minutes later.

Rosie: I know! And they're like, it's mandatory. 'Hey like we need your email, we need your phone number.' Like, why do you need this? Just give me the info!

Amanda: Absolutely. And another suggestion from a previous episode we want to stress is to never click on weird shit. Like, it's an obvious one, but it's worth repeating. If you have to think twice about it, don't click on it. And speaking of weird shit, you want to look out for anyone on these apps that says they're deployed or who asks you for money gifts like that sweet old man.* They're almost always signs of a con artist and you don't want to let these people emotionally or actually blackmail you and block them immediately.

[Reader Note: The Sweet Old Man that was ripped off in a romance scam was discussed in Part 1 of this discussion last week.]

Rosie: Yeah, and some of the scan monitors are getting really good, Amanda, like I'll get stuff in my email that looks like my password needed to be reset on PayPal or whatever. And then I go up and I always ... A trick that I do is I always look at the email that it's from and if it's not from PayPal, if it's from some like weird looking email, because a lot of people just click or they're on their phone or they're not paying attention, you know?

Amanda: Yeah, absolutely. No, I always look at the email and then sometimes it's good to look at like the design of the email as well because the logo will be slightly off or like they'll have a weird little addendum to their signature or something like there's always something right that has that kind of moment where you're like "this is ... this is not real."

Rosie: Or you can go directly to the website so if you get a notification quote unquote notification from PayPal and you're like wait this is weird you can actually just go straight to PayPal.com instead of clicking to the email link. And then there should be a notification in your PayPal inbox or whatever website you're going to if it's like a Facebook notification that's saying, um you know, oh, your account got locked out or something instead of clicking on the link in the email, you can just go to facebook.com. And that's a more secure way as well instead of because that could be a phishing email.

Amanda: Absolutely.

Rosie: Yes. Another great tool to protect yourself is Garbo over at garbo.io. Garbo runs a light background check on your potential date to see. This is a great way to see if they've been charged or arrested for any indications of violence, which is really scary because it's a dog eat dog world out there.

Amanda: Yeah. And this is ... I'm very lucky that I've never known anyone who's had this experience. But if you're concerned about someone stalking you or kidnapping you, if you're concerned about someone planting an apple AirTag or another kind of Bluetooth tracker on you. It's a real thing that's happening. There's this app called Light Blue on iOS and for Android users, the app is called AirGuard and both of them will scan and identify any device that's connected and broadcasting, which I mean, I've heard of people putting AirTags on their luggage, right? To see where it's gone. But this is a really smart use because I have seen a bit more in the news around sex trafficking and things like that. And these are the kind of situations where they start.

[Reader Note: Since recording this episode, Apple and Google have made changes to make it easier to detect an Airtag if one is tracking you. Apple released Tracker Detect, which you can download here if you're using Android. Regardless of what device you use, you can also use BLE Scanner. This is one of those topics we will revisit in an upcoming episode.]

Rosie: That's really scary. Yeah, I have never had that happen, but I have been stalked. And thank God that technology did not exist when I was getting stalked. That's really scary. Yeah. I was old fashioned stalked, thankfully the person left me alone after a while. If you're going to meet up with someone though, make sure to do it in a neutral territory like a coffee shop or bookstore. ... Do you guys remember what bookstores are? Yeah, we do. They're really cool little shops and they have books in them! That means it's not just a Kindle or an iPad. Oh, and speaking of neutral territory, if you ever need to break up with someone who has the potential for hostility, do it in a public place.

We like to suggest a Walmart where there's a lot of cameras. Seriously, if you've ever picked your nose when you thought nobody was looking at Walmart, we promise you a Walmart associate absolutely was looking at you. And this is so important. And even sometimes in a public place, you know, the person can get scary if they if they get angry or whatever. I had that situation with an ex. I was I was I was breaking up with someone and I was on I wasn't in a public restaurant. I should have been, but I was in the street and he like still freaked out and was really scary. So I think that's a really good tip to be in a public place with a lot of people so that the person would be embarrassed if they did something crazy.

Amanda: Yeah, or if worse comes to worse, someone would be able to get in touch with the authorities for you. Hopefully there are still some good Samaritans out there. I know if I saw a situation like that, I would try to monitor it if I were a bystander because I feel like these days we're a lot more attuned to those kinds of situations, particularly in public places. So I think that's always a good idea. One of those things, having someone else know where you are as well is really important. So no matter where you go for your date, even if it is a public place, you want to let your friends know where you're going. And just to be safe, have someone call you halfway through the date to check in and make sure everything is cool. And if it's not, your friend can give you an excuse to leave.

I also personally, Rosie, I don't know if you do this, but I also personally let people know when I get home. So even if I am going out to drinks, even with a girlfriend or another friend of mine, I'll let my friend that I was with know when I was, when I got home.

Rosie: Yeah, I always do that. But also what did we do before cell phones? (laughs) you would just think someone was like missing for hours. Like I can't even meet someone at a location without having my phone to be like, where are you?

So yes, that is very important though to check in with friends and family and let them know where you are and that you're alive and safe because you never know what could happen. It also doesn't hurt to make friends with a waiter or bartender as well. We can't say every bartender knows how to help you, but a lot of them do. And if you're going on a date with someone and you share mutual friends with, make sure to tell those mutual friends as well.

Book Ad

Amanda King, Co-Host, Stupid Sexy Privacy: Hey everyone, this is Amanda King, one of the co-hosts of Stupid Sexy Privacy.

These days, I spend most of my time talking to businesses and clients about search engine optimization.  

But  that's not what this is about. 

I wanted to tell you a little bit about a book I've co-authored with BJ Mendelson called How to Protect Yourself from Fascists and Weirdos. And the title tells you pretty much everything you would want to know about what's in the book.  

And thanks to our friends at DuckDuckGo,  we'll actually be able to give you this book for free  in 2026.

All you need to do  is go to the website stupidsexyprivacy.com  and sign up to our newsletter.  

Again, that website is stupidsexyprivacy.com and then put your name in the box and sign up for our newsletter.  We'll let you know when the  book  and the  audiobook is ready.

If you want a PDF  copy that's DRM free,  it's yours. And if you want  an MP3 of the new audiobook, also DRM free, you could get that too. 

Now, I gotta get outta here before Bonzo corners me because he doesn't think that SEO is real and I don't have the patience to argue with him. I got a book to finish.

Back to This Week's Privacy Tip

Amanda: Yeah, for sure. And I know there are some bartenders as well who will have specific shots and will have a note in the women's bathroom to say, hey, if you're in danger, ask for an angel shot or ask for a whatever shot and we'll get you safely away. So there's that to look out for as well.

Rosie: Oh! I never heard of that. That's cool.

Amanda: Yeah. And it would just be like posted in the women's bathroom or something. But I mean, I live in Australia, so Mad Max is like a Tuesday for me. (laughs) So I also recommend carrying pepper spray if it's legal for you to do so. You do have the ability to protect yourself. We don't want you breaking any laws though, but you should absolutely have something like that to protect yourself in a worst case scenario. Luckily, I've never had to use a pepper spray or anything like that, but it's a good peace of mind, right?

Rosie: Yeah, it is a great app to have also ready to protect yourself is the Noonlight app, which collects all the information you enter about the date, like the who, when, how you're getting there and silently summon first responders in the event of emergency.

We know this is show about privacy and security, but there's going to be instances where the benefits outweigh the costs. And we feel Noonlight is one of those examples.

Amanda: And if you've made it into your new friend's apartment, great, fantastic. (laughs)

Rosie: Hopefully he or she is very attractive.

Hopefully, yes, in whatever way that you want them to be, right? But if you've made it into their apartment you do want to be aware of things like hidden cameras. And there's one that we particularly recommend called the Milwaukee Spot Infrared Imager Unit. It's the best device for spotting hidden cameras, but it's also like $300. So there are less expensive alternatives, like one that we did mention on a previous episode, until you can afford to get the best one. And you can always do a quick sweep when you need to. We know it sounds weird and it sounds super like ... awkward, but there are plenty of people out there with hidden cameras because of how small and inexpensive they've become. I know a lot of Airbnb's are ... you have to sweep them for hidden cameras. It's definitely something that a lot of Airbnb's have as well.

[Reader Note: These days, there's a whole bunch of options to detect hidden cameras. We've covered this back in Episode 5.]

Rosie: So I actually don't think that is paranoid because I do know of someone who was doing that and recording women without their consent. So yes. So I don't think that's being that paranoid.

Amanda: Wow.

Rosie: Yeah, it was not cool at all. For the next tip, always delete your profile when you're done. But before you do make sure to unmatch with people first, this way they can't see your location even if you're no longer active on the app. Especially if you're not actively dating anymore. If you found a boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other, there's no reason to be on there. Just delete, delete, delete.

Amanda: Absolutely. And you can go a step further in certain places. Like our last tip, it's not going to work for everyone, but it does cover our friends in California, Virginia, the UK, and all of the states kind of within the UK. So Wales, Scotland, Ireland. And in these states and nations, you can request an app or a website, remove all of the information it has about you. Totally hardcore. So let's say you're done dating for a while, or you've met your soulmate. Since there isn't such thing as one, it's likely that you more likely have a million possible soulmates all over the planet. But regardless, when you don't need the dating app anymore, make sure to file a request to have that app remove all the data it has on you. They're obligated to do this by law. They have to. So you won't get any hassle for requesting it. And we'll include links in today's show notes for where to go, depending on your location.

[Reader's Note: We talked about this as it relates to the California Consumer Privacy Act here.]


Rosie: Yeah, those are, think, a lot of really good tips. It's important to stay safe out there. There's a lot of awesome people. I've met a lot of really great guys and gals through dating and social media apps, but there's also a couple weirdos and freaks, so be careful.

Amanda: Absolutely. And there are always going to be people who present themselves as something that they aren't. And if that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should have the ability to just completely avoid that, right?

Rosie: Yeah, nobody deserves or is entitled to your time or space except for maybe your mother.

Part 2 of our Interview with Dr. Orchard

BJ Mendelson, co-producer of Stupid Sexy Privacy: Hello, everyone. It's BJ Mendelson. If you're listening to this, you've made it to the end of our stupid, sexy privacy flashback as we go back through the old episodes and re-air them with some alterations. So one of the additions that we made was Dr. Treena Orchard's interview, which is brand new. It's something that we just recorded. We're really excited to share it with you. You might have heard part one. We're going to get right into part two here with Dr. Orchard. And again, if you haven't had a chance to read her book, Sticky Sexy Sad, I can't recommend it enough. I really enjoyed reading it. We've read a lot of books to get ready for the new season of Stupid Sexy Privacy. And this easily was one of my favorites. So let's get right back to our interview with Dr. Treena Orchard.

BJ: Absolutely. And I mean, that's that's been our our sub theme for the new episodes is how to protect yourself from fascists and weirdos. And you can ONLY do that together. We can't do it driving each other apart.

Let me ask you a little bit about ... is there a place for these apps at all or should we just cut them out completely?

Dr. Treena Orchard, Author of Sticky, Sexy, Sad: That's a good question. I think that there are, but only if the apps are willing to change and if they can listen to the leagues of people who are writing about it. There's loads of reviews on Google Play, other places where you buy these apps. There is loads of information from users, real live experiences that can tell them how users like to use their interface and what would be better. And so I think digital things are here to stay, but I think in terms of them having a revolutionary impact like they did about 10 years ago, I think that will only happen again if they shift the design and make sure that safety is number one. That they're more inclusive, that they're cheaper, and that perhaps there's a way for users to communicate red flag folks or have some sort of messaging board internal to the app. We know that that's definitely possible. If there's also an app that includes perhaps links to in-person events, right? Because we know that most apps want you to stay on them for as long as you will, but some of them are kind of branching out and realizing that the hybrid approach might get far more customers or users, because you often meet on the app and then it's like, what do we do next? Especially for younger people who don't have the decades of in-person socialization that a GenXer and others might have. This is kind of a nice way to go forward.

BJ: Yeah, I mean, I think for my generation, we were the last ones, right, to sort of know what it was like to date offline versus doing everything digitally. And so we've seen this issue of not just in dating, but also with managing your money. Like it's very hard to separate what is happening on your own versus what's happening in reality.

Have you seen, with Gen Z and younger different tactics that maybe they're not using the apps, maybe they're doing different things than me?

Dr. Orchard: Yeah, they are starting to, I mean, they've been not using the apps for quite a while. They [the apps] are inauthentic, performative. Not safe, often. Boring, I repeat boring. And younger people, their parents are my age, our age. They are really harking back and wanting to experience the things connected with the 90s and early aughts in huge ways, whether it's music, whether it's the return of grunge in fashion, in certain parts of fashion, certain kinds of music.
They want boom boxes, want analog tech, they want analog experiences. They feel disconnected and they know why, but they're not sure how to do it. And so there is a desire to still date, but dating apps are really not cutting it. And for some of them, they're retreating from relationships altogether, from intimate relationships and focusing a bit more on their friendships. And some are also focusing more on finding ways to take care of themselves as well and just kind of putting relationships on hold. Often relationships feel a bit scary and they're worried about getting hurt, which is kind of like that's all part of it. But yeah, there is a real precarity around relationships right now. And so there's a number of different things that young folks are doing.

BJ: I think a lot about the erosion of trust in terms of trust. Again, how to protect yourself from fascist weirdos, it's one way is trust. And it just seems like these apps tend to push us in the direction of not trusting each other or treating each other like pixels.

Dr. Orchard: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And we've seen how that's worked out. And they also know they're the ones who have grown up with so much social media in their lives. They were also full on in the pandemic, you know, scrambling around at home trying to, like their parents livee through that. I was on the other end and how many years older as an instructor trying to manage that, but I wasn't trying to learn, come of age in this isolated yet strangely connected space. And that also lends itself to a precarity around human interaction in general.

BJ: Tell me a little bit about the fantasy world that these apps want us to live in? Because it sounds like they sell that as an antidote to some of the issues that we're talking about, but that's not really what the reality is.

Dr. Orchard: Right. Oh, that's nice that no one's ever asked me that particular kind of question. ... Yeah, I guess I haven't thought about it in terms of fantasy. I guess I've thought about it, you know, sort of constructed ideals, but I mean, fantasy can work as well. And I mean, we see it in all kinds of things in our news. This is just a distraction from what's really happening. One thing we also know from the literature is that during times of extreme precarity and calamity, romance emerges as a very, very strong player in the market, strong player in terms of popular culture. The classic example is Gone with the Wind. The book was published many years before 1929. But I mean, you want to talk about a blockbuster during a time when people had no money. That's remarkable. And there's lots of folks who do research on this. We see the emergence of matchmakers. We see the emergence of how many shows and series streaming stuff about dating. The real, you know ... dating coaches. Who isn't a coach. Oh my God, isn't a coach? Everyone's a coach. So people are taking advantage of the disarray and the anomie around love around the apps, around technology. So it's actually, it's spurring on all these other industries, right? So it's a really interesting moment. And this ... this productivity within the romance landscape is really in line with what we know about history and times of calamity. People really sort of gravitate to these things.

BJ: Right. What would you say about ... The thing that we get asked, well, we get asked two questions primarily when it comes to these apps and online dating is ghosting and dick pics. I think we've touched on it a little bit, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to get away with doing this interview without asking you specifically about the plague of dick pics. What's going on there? What can we tell people who are listening who are like, I've had it up to here with these dick pics?

Dr. Orchard: Right. So there's dick pics and then there's unsolicited dick pics. And the unsolicited dick pic is the real problem. Because if you want a dick pic, it's no problem. Enjoy. Get your fill. When it's unsolicited and someone sends it to you, you don't even know if it's their dick, which is weird. Because I know that all of the ones I get were not the actual person's dick. That's weird. And, you know, as I wrote about that in the book, the dick pic, people laugh at it. They know we don't like it. There are art shows launched about it. There are YouTube videos, all of it. But the fact that they persist was interesting to me and kind of in line with the idea of men using their bodies in an aggressive way to make women uncomfortable. Also using their bodies to speak for them in ways that they clearly don't feel able to articulate verbally. Desire, here, I'll just show my dick. She'll know what I mean. Or, anger, I'll show my dick, she might not know what I mean. But it's a way of saying something that is really interesting and problematic and often used against women when we say, "yeah, no thanks." It's like, "oh, you're a prude, you're cold." "Why can't you ..." you know, it's bizarre. It's not meaningless skin, you know. It's very charged. And the whole idea of the other piece of book, catfishing, is that what you, or ghosting?

BJ: Ghosting was... Cat fishing, I mean cat fishing is well, I mean, yeah, that's another big one, but ghosting is, those are the two.

Dr. Orchard: Ghosting, we see ghosting being used in all sorts of discussions in the workplace in almost every relationship now. Ghosting, you know, is when you sort of have some connection with someone, whether it's over the course of a few years or a few days, and then they vanish, right? No explanation. And so it is difficult when it happens so often. The thing about the dating apps, it's not like, "oh yeah, that one date or that one person, let me tell you", it's a stream of them. The volume and we are encouraged by the apps to keep using, keep swiping, stay in the game, stay fresh, whatever. So we are bound to experience these things over and over and over again and the cumulative effect of being dumped, ghosted, whatever you want to call it, with no explanation, is really difficult emotionally. And it doesn't mean that you love the person who ghosted you necessarily, but it's like ... have a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and why can't you just tell me that you're not interested? That's part of dating. It's not fun to hear, especially if you like the person, but it's much kinder, and it's more mature. But people do it because they can, and because we don't talk about how to resolve conflict, how to articulate the feelings that you're having. Let's make sense of them. Have a conversation instead of just vanishing.

BJ: Let me ask you little bit about the ... is it that these apps and platforms have a patriarchal design to them? Because we say in the show, like, we're ready for the matriarchy. Like we've said that, we said that in the last episode of the original series. Do you think that maybe one of the solutions here could be more of a collaborative design as opposed to just a bunch of guys sitting up behind the desk and then saying, hey, this is a great dating app, that'll work for everybody.

Dr. Orchard: Hell yes. Yes, we need more inclusive designers. We need more women at the helm. We need everybody because everybody is using them and they are not working for all of us. And also a lot of people, another reason for the retreat from dating apps, at least the current version, is that people are sick of the tech bros dominating our life, using our data for all sorts of things, and also controlling the global economy in so many ways. And it's unhealthy, and it's kind of terrifying, the monopoly that a handful of men have over so many aspects of our lives.

And so I think that the resistance is very, it makes a tremendous amount of sense and they would be stupid to not respond in a way that is going to hit a larger demographic because you're going to have more people who are going to stay and stick around and they'll feel listened to. Especially if you respond in a way that aligns with what people are saying about what they like and what they'd like to see because we know it's possible. Technologically, the technology is not in any way the problem. The problem is about political will and bros bending to the general population.

BJ: And we only have time for one more question. So it's one that I ask everybody. Is there something about your work that you don't often get asked about that you would love to talk about? Like what is one thing you would like to highlight?

Dr. Orchard: The writing process of the book, because it was a big transformation for me as an academic who has a sideline interest in poetry and creative writing to, I made the conscious decision to not do this book or project as an academic study. It's with the university press, but it's with their trade or more general paperback kind of imprint. And I wanted to make it a memoir because I don't want to be ashamed of my experiences. There are too many things in society that socialize me to be ashamed and be quiet. And this book is in many ways pushing against that and being illustrating ... you know? What it's like to use your voice as a woman in the 21st century who's midlife, sober, sex positive, and wants to learn about this new culture that's impacting so many of our lives. And using my anthropological lens, as well as my feminist experience, to make that happen in ways that are interesting and kind of engaging on the page.

BJ: Yeah, honestly, I think the book is so much more impactful with your writing in there, with the entries of what's happening with a different man. Like I found, I read a lot of academic books and it's no slight APA style and just the way that they're presented. But yeah, I feel like the reasons book resonated as well. And I think it's gonna resonate in a lot of our listeners because of how personal it is. Where can we find you? Like where can we ... not stalk you online, like where can we check out your work for people that are listening?

Dr. Orchard: Yeah, the place I spend most time in is Instagram and it's just my first and last name. Instragram.com/TreenaOrchard.

I'm also on good old Facebook. There's lots of people on there. Just my first and last name. I've got a Substack and it is called Got a light? You can find me just by putting in my name there as well. I'm on LinkedIn. Just my name, my first and last name. Pretty basic. I don't have any weird Reddit oriented handles. We love Reddit, don't we? We kind of have to. But yeah, those are the main spaces and my website is TreenaOrchard.com

Live Read Script #6 Data Brokers

Rosie: When your friends at Stupid Sexy Privacy are out in the world, we often hear two things that we want to address:

The first is, “I don’t want to sound like a Karen, because I’m concerned about my privacy.” 

You’re not a Karen if you’re concerned about privacy. 

Privacy is a fundamental human right.

So if you care about privacy, you care about other people. 

That makes you the complete opposite of a Karen.

The second thing we hear is, “All my stuff is out there already and there’s nothing I can do about it, so why bother?” 

And we totally get that feeling.

Most of us are burnt out, working multiple jobs, and taking care of kids or elderly parents. Or both.

Managing our information can feel like just one more thing to add to that list. 

The good news is, managing your privacy is not an all or nothing thing.

You can do a little at a time, and still take back control of your privacy, security, and anonymity. 

The easiest place to start is by cleaning up the data that’s out there.

This is especially important so that it can’t be used to deny your health insurance claims or make you pay more for rent.

Here’s how that works:

Data brokers collect and sell personal data, which they aggregate from public records, Internet trackers, and other sources. 

Many of these sites will display some amount of your personal information, for free.

And if a human can see this data? 

So can the bots and scrapers. Many of whom use that data to render adverse financial decisions against you, without you ever knowing.

That, my friends, is why you should always appeal a health insurance denial when you get one. But we’ll talk about that in a future episode.

For now, our friends at DuckDuckGo offer a solution that we want you to know about.

As part of the DuckDuckGo subscription plan, they offer Personal Information Removal services.

The kind that can help find and remove your personal information, such as your name and address, from data broker sites that store and sell it.

This helps to combat identity theft and spam.

Access to Personal Information Removal comes with the DuckDuckGo subscription plan.

And here’s the best part …

There are a lot of data removal services available. The thing is, you often have to give them personal information, including your driver’s license, which they then store on their servers.

DuckDuckGo doesn’t do that.

All of the information you provide them is stored locally on your device. This includes the monitoring and processing of removal requests.

It then scans these sites on a regular schedule to minimize the risk of your information reappearing. 

After the initial scan, you can track the progress of ongoing removals, keep tabs on the total number of records that have been removed, and see the site-scanning schedule on your personal dashboard in the DuckDuckGo browser.

While it doesn’t cover all of the data broker websites out there, DuckDuckGo monitors over 50 of those websites, with more being considered.

You can sign up for the subscription via the Settings menu in the DuckDuckGo browser, available on iOS, Android, Mac, and Windows.

Or via the DuckDuckGo subscription website: duckduckgo.com/subscriptions. 

This service is currently only available in the United States and on desktop.

Stupid Sexy Privacy Outro

Rosie: This episode of Stupid Sexy Privacy was recorded in Hollywood, California.

It was written by BJ Mendelson, produced by Andrew VanVoorhis, and hosted by me, Rosie Tran.

And of course, our program is sponsored by our friends at DuckDuckGo.

If you enjoy the show, I hope you’ll take a moment to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you may be listening.

This won’t take more than two minutes of your time, and leaving us a review will help other people find us.

We have a crazy goal of helping five percent of Americans get 1% better at protecting themselves from Fascists and Weirdos.

Your reviews can help us reach that goal, since leaving one makes our show easier to find.

So, please take a moment to leave us a review, and I’ll see you right back here next Thursday at midnight. 

After you watch Rosie Tran Presents on Amazon Prime, right?